


This is what carries me

by geoffox



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: A/B/O Universe, Fragility, I don't know, M/M, Multi, Omega Bucky Barnes, Poor Bucky, Psychopathic Tendencies, Some angst, yup
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 14:09:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4224681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geoffox/pseuds/geoffox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When James Barnes is fifteen, he goes into his first heat. It's very early, so it hits him fast and blows over like an ugly coastal storm. The 90 year aftermath is arguably uglier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When James Barnes is fifteen, he goes into his first heat. It's very early, so it hits him fast and blows over like an ugly coastal storm. It's not weak enough apparently, since the Alphas working with Bucky at the docks pause to send each other looks. Bucky doesn't notice at first, busy working, counting down the time till he can go home and eat dinner and do homework and— _why is it so hot._

The only reason he gets away after the side effects really kick in is because there are mated Alphas there too. Two weathered Alphas, graying at the roots, yank Bucky away from another Alpha who's already shoved his hand down Buck's pants.

Bucky runs home, ignoring the looks he gets when he dashes down the streets. His legs feel like jelly and it's really freakin _hot_ and the running isn't helping that at all. By the time he gets home he feels as if he's overheating. It's enough for him to flop onto the tiny front lawn for a solid few minutes. He stares up at the sky (it's only late afternoon, you're probably gonna lose your job for running away all wild like that) and sniffles a bit too often to be inconspicuous. He fingers his shirt, which has a large tear courtesy of—(I hope he loses his job too, for pulling a dirty move like that)—he _doesn't_ want to think about that, _please_ , so he scrubs at his eyes before shakily getting to his feet and going inside.

Mrs. Barnes takes a good five minutes to make a big fuss, examining the tears (not just in the shirt anymore) and gets the story (sort of). Then she takes his shirt and sends him upstairs with a glass of water. She always knows what to do. Always.

Bucky leans against the side of the bed with a new shirt. He just wants to sit there. He's still hot but it's not as bad anymore. Instead he feels tired. Horribly tired and worn thin. Sometimes he feels like this after a particularly hard day of work, when he gets home only to have maths to finish or history or some other schoolwork.

He just wants to sit there. He just wants to sit there and forget that this is happening. Forget what happened. Forget this truly pathetic excuse for a heat he is in the middle of and just _sit_.

A tear (It's a different shirt, this shouldn't be happening) drips off his chin. He wipes away any other stragglers and takes a sip of water. (It's just kinda... What's the word... Traumatizing).

He was an Omega then, that much was clear. It's bittersweet now. His first heat and Bucky's already got his first taste of Omega vulnerability. Good job world.

Bucky thinks he doesn’t really want to be an Omega.

If he was an Alpha then he wouldn't have to go home and he probably wouldn't be losing his job. (Dammit your eyes are wet again. Why're you such a crybaby now?)

For a while Bucky continues to just sit. Just sit there and stare. Eventually though, there's a knock on his door, timid enough to give the intruder away.

"Hey... Bucky." Yup, it's Steve. He sounds careful.

"I don't want to see you Stevie," Bucky says, and scrubs at his eyes again. Oh no he certainly doesn't want to see Steve. It's embarrassing since there's a smell in the air that's basically sex and even though he knows Steve can smell it through the door he doesn't— _want_ —Steve to come in and see him like this. (You're a liar, aren't you). He doesn't want Steve to come in and tell him everything will be okay. He doesn't want Steve to foolishly promise to beat his attacker into the dirt. Not ninety pound Steve.

"Bucky..." Steves so polite, but here's an occasion where he won't let up. "Lemme in, please, will you? You sound awful."

"Go away," Bucky can't help the hitch in his throat. "Leave me alone. Go do your homework or something."

"I already did it," Steve answers. "I'm the smart one, remember?" It's a valiant attempt to lighten the mood, but he shuts it back down a second later. "Look, your ma told me the gist of it. I'm here for you Buck."

Bucky rubs his nose and blinks up at the ceiling. There's a familiar feeling of embarrassment spreading over him. But he's never been able to resist Steve so he chokes it down. "Yeah okay."

The door creaks open (Steve you polite idiot it's a wonder why you didn't just come in) and a moment later Steve sits down next to him. Bucky doesn't look his way, because his face is probably a mess. Steve doesn't say anything. Bucky knows that when Steve doesn't say anything it's usually because he's getting ready to say something grand.

Bucky just kind of sobs. Out of the blue. Maybe it's because Steve is there. He always tries to be strong for Steve. It shocks him too, and he feels Steve flinch.

"Hey," A bony arm wraps around Bucky's shoulders. It's a stretch. Bucky finally looks at Steve. He looks worried, a little mad, comforting. "Hey if that guy even looks at you funny again I'll sock him."

Bucky laughs, voice cracking. It's exactly what he thought Steve would say. "Two years too early," He finally says. "You ain't even outed yet." He selfishly wishes, deep inside, for Steve to become an Omega, so he wouldn't be alone in this. But if Steve _does_ present as Omega, then he'd no doubt get picked off in the streets. If there's one thing Bucky doesn't want, it's that.

Steve smiles, but his lips are thin when they’re pressed together and his eyes are worried. “It’ll be okay Buck.”

“Why?” Bucky asks, quietly, _quietly_.

“Cause,” Steve swallows. “Cause I’m here.”

That will just have to do well enough for now, won’t it.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're totes in love brah. But. But something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter two! I guess. thanks for all of your support!

It’s almost five in the morning when Bucky wakes up and wonders where the hell that memory came from. All is quiet in the tower, Steve fast asleep in the other room, but Buck is too thought-full to close his eyes and return to his rest.

Where the hell did that come from?

(Sometimes I close my eyes and all I hear is the click of guns and the drum of feet).

He gets out of bed, excited now, because he's just remembered the day he presented, and though it was not necessarily a happy time, it was an important one. The memories have been returning in bits and pieces, so Bucky is happy that he's managed to get this vital of a memory.

James usually gets up early anyways, out of a habit he didn’t know he had. Until recently he didn’t know he had a lot of things. Free will is at the top of that list. Steve is another. Until recently, he didn’t know he had this studmuffin parusing the world looking for his sorry ass.

This beautiful blonde studmuffin.

Yes so maybe there are a couple things that Barnes would rather be doing right now. Cuddling with Steve is one of them. He’s heard the stories, read a couple articles on the supposed mateship between James Barnes and Steve Rogers, and he really wants to believe it. The trick is, he thinks, Steve is blundering around probably thinking the same thing. He’s felt the lingering touches, the adoring gaze—the musky scent of Steve is already everywhere on Bucky.

Almost everywhere. But we’re not going there right now—no.

Bucky is sure Steve likes him. Bucky is fairly sure Steve doesn’t know that he likes him back.

We’ve got a regular old conundrum on our hands folks.

Bucky could tiptoe around his love life all day. But instead he stubs his toe on the coffee table on his way past the couch. Swearing ensues.

Bucky sits down on the couch, mind flitting back to the memory. Even back then, his mind tells him, they were totes in love brah. It’s a wonder how they aren’t together right now, how Buck isn’t sleeping quietly next to Steve in Steve’s bed in Steve’s room in Steve’s life.

So maybe that’s partially Bucky’s fault.

But he’s not supposed to think like that. He’s supposed to think that what happened to him wasn’t his fault and the repercussions _definitely_ aren’t his fault. Unfortunately James isn’t so inclined to believe all that pardoning bullshit. It’s his fault that he’s afraid of too much _touch,_ and the fact that he’s an _Omega_ , and scared of every Alpha outside of Stark tower. It’s his fault. It’s his _fault_.

(But you’re not supposed to think like that B).

James shakes his head.

Maybe they’re right. Maybe it’s not his fault. But either way his heart stings and he wishes for Steve and he doesn’t wish for Steve and it’s a big floppy mess of horrible anxiety and it’s _STUPID. IT’S STUPID and he’s breathing too hard—too fast—can’t._

__

“ _Bucky_ ,” Steve is shaking his knee gently.

The reaction is instantaneous. Bucky curls backwards onto the couch, spitting hellfire and hissing like a cat. _“Don’t touch me, don’t you dare fuckin touch me.”_ There’s someone in his head screaming please, like a siren. Wailing.

Steve immediately puts his hands up. He’s acting like this has happened before. _(What?)_ “Buck, it’s _me_. It’s me Steve Rogers your _friend_.”

(More than friend. Whatever the hell that is)

You’re so silly, B. That’s Steve. Steve won’t hurt you, what are you doing screeching at Steve like that?

Shame is evident. Bucky relaxes, shaking. “S-Sorry. Sorry.” He mutters.

Steve almost reaches a hand out, but then he withdraws it. “Yeah.” He says. There’s stubble on his chin. “Don’t worry bout it Buck.” His voice is rusty from sleep and it’s beautiful. Barnes can smell it. The scent of the Alpha. It’s freaking heavenly.

How are they not together?

(Because you’re a freakin psychopath, that’s why.)

Bucky swallows past the lump in his throat.

Because you’re a freaking psychopath. That’s why. Something cold clenches around his heart. he longs for Steve, and extinguishes it.

“Bucky?” Steve asks, carefully.

“I’m fine.” Bucky smiles. “I’m fine. Go back to bed Steve.”

(And leave me behind).

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shortness. I figured it would be better like this. Comments, kudos, etc, are greatly appreciated! I have no real idea where I'm taking this. But there's some semblance of a plan so that's better than nothin.
> 
> [Give me prompts on tumblr!](http://geoffreyisthebest.tumblr.com)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, noticeably longer. Thanks for all of your support!

psy·cho·path

ˈsīkəˌpaTH/

noun

noun: **psychopath** ; plural noun: **psychopaths**

  1. a person suffering from chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behavior.




synonyms:     madman, madwoman, maniac, lunatic, psychotic, sociopath

 

 

Bucky closes out the webpage on his phone. Great.

Bucky would prefer it if he _wasn’t_ a psychopath, but there’s no other word for him to describe himself. Mentally unstable is too lax. Murderer is too rough.

However Bucky didn’t expect, earlier that morning, once Steve had finally gone to bed, that he would be using the word “ _stalker_ ” to describe himself.

(There’s a burning need to be near Steve and hear Steve and see Steve and it’s a nightmare but I _love_ it).

Bucky peers out from the grates in the ventilation shaft. Stark Tower has long ass ventilation chutes that are perfect for snooping around in. Or in this case, they’re perfect for stalking Steve.

Barnes would _really_ prefer not to use that type of language. He’s just looking out for Steve is all, and if Steve happens to be in the middle of a top secret meeting, that’s just where he has to be as well. In his heart he gets that it’s wrong, but for some reason he can’t bring himself to care.

Disturbed is too lax. Psychopath is just right.

James. You’re thinking about this too hard James. You’re not a psychopath. You’re just a prisoner of war that got held back too long. That’s all. Stop being so hard on yourself.

But Bucky continues to do so. He focuses on Steve again, who is in the middle of smiling. He stops breathing for a moment because it knocks his socks off—literally takes his socks and _throws_ them against the ventilation wall— _goddam Steve is smokin like a forest fire in July._

But the Winter Soldier finally resumes his calm, quiet breath, watching Steve carefully from the shadows where he belongs.

For the next two days, wherever Steve goes, Winter follows

Whenever he can, Bucky plays it off as real causal, following Steve into the kitchen to grab a bite with him, though Bucky barely eats anymore. He tries for Steve but he keeps throwing up and his stomach twists up into knots at the thought of food. It’s been a couple months since he got back, this shouldn’t be happening. He should be in the middle of recovering, enjoying life and taking it easy.

Instead he’s following Steve around like a lost puppy.

Steve doesn’t notice these ulterior motives however. “Feel like a sandwich Bucky?” He smiles. “I can make you one in a flash. He pulls out some bread from the pantry. They’re in the kitchen on the group floor, so Barnes is expecting at any moment for someone to barge in on their private time. He knows he’s being sort of selfish with this whole “let’s share Steve” thing but he doesn’t really care. He’s been away for eighty something plus years and Bucky thinks he’s more than a little deserving of some _private_ time with his beloved Alpha.

Hmmm.

(You realize you aren’t dating, or mating. Right?)

But no one has to know that anyway.

Natasha sidles in then, and even though she’s an Alpha as well, Bucky barely holds back the urge to growl at her when she gets too close to Steve while grabbing a muffin. His eyes are stinging suddenly because Steve is something unreachable. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and says hi to Nat because she’s Nat and therefore someone you always say hello to.

“Hi Barnes,” She replies, pulling the wrapper off of her muffin. She always smells like blueberries and mint. Bucky would like to think it’s from all the muffins she eats. “Haven’t seen you out a lot lately.”

Steve nods. “Yeah, Buck you should go out sometime,” He turns around to meet Barnes’ eyes. “I mean, if you want.”

“I dunno,” Bucky says. “Maybe.” He’s sitting on the edge of the table, watching the proceedings going on. Tony walks in then, and he’s even more of a threat because even if he’s a mated Omega, he’s _still_ an Omega. Bucky feels his lips twitch into a scowl. There are too many people now. Too many. All here and Steve is talking to Natasha now and not to him and it’s all _wrong_ because they should be _together_. _TOGETHER_.

There’s a loud crunch, from where he’s squeezed the table too hard with his metal hand and silence.

“You okay Buck?” Steve asks seriously.

“My mistake.” Bucky says, releasing the table.

“That’s mahogany.” Tony says.

“There’s too many people!” Barnes suddenly freaks out and leaves.

 

No one can find him for about twenty minutes until Steve finds him, curled up under Steve’s bed that smells of Steve, with a blanket.

Steve starts to reach a hand under the bed to reach Bucky and he’s rewarded with a hiss.

“Bucky?” He tries, feeling around the super soldier’s long hair.

James pulls away. “ _What_.”

“You okay? Just too many people?”

“Too many people.”

“You sure?”

Bucky wants to cry. He wants to tell Stevie that he loves him and that he is tired of this game they’re playing where no one’s happy because no one _wins_. He wants to. He really wants to.

(But you’re a psychopath).

And therefore not good for Steve.

So instead he puts on a brave smile and says. “M’sure.”

 

The next day Steve goes out. By out, I mean out of the room, floor, and tower. Out to the outside world. Bucky follows. It’s a stupid idea, with Bucky so near his heat and the preheat symptoms already setting in and there are so many Alphas outside and it’s super scary though Bucky won’t admit it and he’s not panicking, really, he’s not, he’s just thinking a bit fast and there’s—too many people.

He slams straight into a tall Alpha—I mean like right in there, like—wham.

“Woah there buddy, you okay?” The man asks, shaking the dazed Omega a little. “You good? Gotta watch out there buddy.”

Bucky refocuses, then he regroups the fuck out of there. No way. He dashes away down an alley, then down another alley, then down one more just for good measure. Then he tries to find Steve and fails very well.

(Look at how far you’ve fallen.)

)Remember those times you were the king of the castle? The good old days where you shot to kill and wouldn’t freak out from bumping into a middle aged man(

(Look at how far you’ve fallen.)

Bucky has no idea where he is. He’s gotten lost in thought again and was just walking and now there’s another pair of footsteps behind him and he’s scared because—what if Hydra—What if Hydra is hunting him—following him— _no_.

He turns around then, and comes face to face with a rather dirty looking Alpha. He’s big though, and muscled.

“Hey,” He says. “What’s an angel like you doin outta heaven?”

Bucky is confused, and he’s pretty sure he’s got a fever because this heat is otherwise inexplicable. “What?” He asks, right before the man pushes his way right into his personal space, face pressing tight against Barnes’ neck, directly where his bond mark would normally be.

If he was bonded. Bucky’s rigid with fear, standing stock still in the middle of the alley, the echoes of cars and guns and screams all around him. His hand is stuck around a knife in his pocket. His words are stuck around a lump in his throat.

The man takes a big whiff and sighs. “Strawberries.” He groans. “Damn angels always hafta smell like _fucking_ _strawberries_.

Those are the last words he ever says, unless you count the bloodstained gurgle that he makes when the knife passes across his throat. Something in Bucky’s past is remembered, and he immediately wants to leave it far behind.

The man is on the ground. Bucky stares. His heart is cold. Then he remembers all the reasons he _shouldn’t_ be staring, and runs.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UH OH BUCKY NO
> 
> Comments, kudos, etc, are very much appreciated. I appreciate all of it! It makes my day! 
> 
> [Talk to me on tumblr!](http://geoffreyisthebest.tumblr.com)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4! I tried to make it feel hectic and frazzled. Tell me if it works!

Bucky finds his way back to the tower and manages to avoid everyone until he’s safe under Steve’s bed.

(Holy shit you just killed someone. As in dead).

Maybe “murderer” was just right.

)You can never shake old habits, can you? Why bother? Just let it go. No helping it.(

The fact that he just killed someone washes through Barnes’ bloodstained consciousness. He feels numb. He feels like nothing could affect him. He killed someone. So what? He’s killed _lots_ of people. One more wouldn’t hurt. Right?

But then what would Steve think? Steve would hate it that he’s killed someone. What if he finds out and never speaks to Bucky again? He would die if he never spoke to Steve again. It would be horrible hell.

So therefore he either has to fess up or never tell Steve or anyone what he’s done.

(You’ve been a bad boy, Barnes)

Telling Steve is out of the question. Bucky is so close to his heat and so deep in love that the thought of Steve makes his blood boil. Steve can never find out. No one can ever find out.

His mind drifts back to Steve, far away outside with all those Omegas and Alphas and Betas and—he covers his eyes with his hands. No more thinking today B.

He doesn’t know how long he’s there under the bed. Eventually Jarvis calls in and says it’s time for dinner.

“I don’t want dinner.” Bucky responds. His stomach clenches up and he escapes to the bathroom for a quick retch.

“Sir, Mr. Rogers will be there.”

Bucky wipes his mouth with one hand. “Stevie?”

“Yes.” The AI affirms.

Barnes doesn’t respond. He’s already on his way out the door.

He finds Steve laughing in the main room with Banner and Stark and all the others and it’s already too many people but he’s fleed once today so he’s got to pull through this. It strikes him that Steve doesn’t seem to be as attached to Bucky as Bucky is to Steve. The thoght momentarily sends him into a panic because Steve is his everything.

But Bucky is Steve’s… nothing.

(Since when did you get so negative? It’s clear he likes you.)

)Is it?(

“Hey B!” Tony says. “We have thai food!” He holds up a container. “Dig in or something, if you even eat.”

“I don’t,” Barnes replies rather humorlessly. But he grabs a half eaten container anyway, sitting down next to Steve on the couch. He feels childish and scared. Overall on edge. He puts his feet up onto Steve’s lap suddenly.

“Hey!” Steve sort of laughs and it’s really cute and Bucky’s head hurts. He takes one bite of the thai food and then puts it down with a sigh.

“Feeling alright?” Steve asks.

“Sortof.” Barnes mumbles. He can feel his heat steadily approaching. Pretty sure Steve could smell it too, but he’s always been too polite to say anything. Bucky knows that now. The memory showed him just how polite he is.

Steve abruptly starts tickling Barnes’ sock covered feet. Barnes flops onto the floor. Everythings so hot. Steve especially.

“Whoops, take my hand B,” Stark says, reaching over the couch to pull him up. Unfortunately Bucky’s legs give out and he collapses all over Steve. It’s a Bucky Blanket. Bucky attempts to untangle himself but he’s slow on purpose, because this is the closest he might get to Steve for a while. Steve helps prop him up, face a little red.

Thats when Natasha walks in, holding a laptop.

“Has anyone checked the nightly news?” She asks, pausing to admire the conundrum that’s going on on the couch.

“Thai food.” Tony says in answer.

“Not a fan,” Natasha shrugs. “HYDRA’S on the front page.”

Bucky starts. He looks up over the couch back towards the dining table. “What?” His voice is hushed.

“Someone wrote “HYDRA” in blood from a dead guy in an alley.” She explains. “He was found a couple hours ago.”

“So we’ve got a killer on the loose.” Banner speaks up finally.

Bucky stares at the blurred out photograph and swallows. “Yeah. We do.”

“We’ll protect you Buck, don’t worry.” Steve reassures. “No one will lay a finger on you.”

“Oh.” Bucky’s own voice sounds hollow. He recognizes the body in the photograph. “ _Oh_.” He repeats.

“You okay?”

“M’fine.” Bucky says, but Natasha’s eyes narrow.

“Think you know something Barnes?” She checks.

“No.” Barnes shakes his head. “I haven’t been out in weeks.”

“Really? Because that’s not what the security cameras picked up.” Tony speaks out.

Bucky swings his head around to Tony, staring. )They’re setting you up.( He doesn’t remember writing HYDRA at all.

Steve is also confused. “What are you saying Tony?”

“I didn’t do it.” Bucky says, voice weak. He really didn’t. He didn’t write that word. His vision is slowly collapsing in on itself, fading into black. He feels like the end of the world was coming.

“We found your DNA on the victim.” Natasha says, no nonsense.

“Bucky?” Steve asks, voice tense.

“I didn’t do it!” Bucky repeats.

“Then who did?” Steve’s tone is full of disappointment. Like he can’t believe this is happening. Bucky can’t believe it either.

“It was an accident…” He finally breaks. “I was following Steve and he followed me and then that creep got too close and tried to bond me or something.” He curls his legs closer to his chest. “But I didn’t write the HYDRA. I didn’t.”

There’s a lot of silence for a few minutes.

Finally Steve says, “Bucky.”

And Bucky says, “Steve.” And he’s almost crying because he’s a psychopath and a murderer and this proves it and now Steve’s never going to talk to him again.

“It’s not your fault.” Natasha breaks in, seeing the level of distress on Bucky’s face. “The minute you left a drone was sent out to track you and make sure you were going to be safe. “It saw the whole thing. It’s not your fault.” She repeats.

Bucky didn’t know about the drone. He really hates being watched. So maybe Natasha shoulda kept her mouth closed. Surveillance was his life for seventy plus years. It’s time for it to stop. “ _Don’t watch me.”_ He snaps.

“You got lost, three blocks from the tower.” Tony points out. “It’s for your own safety. But let’s not get away from the fact you killed a guy.”

“I didn’t mean to!” Bucky snarled. “It was his fault for getting too close!”

“Bucky calm down!” Steve has his head in his hands. Bucky calms down for Steve. Just for Steve. Only ever for Steve. And sometimes Natasha.

“Oh god this is a mess.” Bruce says out of the blue. “We have to explain this to the press and everything. This is going to be a nightmare.”

“I’m s-s-sorry,” Bucky stutters. “I’m gonna—” He ditches the group and his beloved Steve to run to the bathroom and puke up a mouthful of thai food.

Steve reaches him by the time he’s washing his hands. “Bucky,” He says, sounding a mixture of disappointed and concerned. “You okay?”

“No!” Bucky snaps. “I’m not okay. My heats starting right now and I’m going to go shut myself in my room for a week. So _goodbye_.” He feels frazzled, scared, like the floor is falling out from under him. So he’s for once glad, to escape from Steve and retire to his room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, kudos, etc, are very much appreciated! Thanks for all your support!
> 
> [ask me questions about my fics on tumblr!](http://geoffreyisthebest.tumblr.com)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter is short, but next chapter is longer. sorry for the wait everyone!

Heat week is long and hot. Not the good kind of hot, the kind of hot that leaks up your nose and causes wonderful tingly feelings. Instead it was the blistering Sahara desert hot, full of tantalizing need and unfortunate aloneness. James spends six days in his bed, drinking little and eating less. He knows it’s bad habits, because you’re supposed to be well fed and hydrated when you’re on your heat, but he can’t bring himself to rise up past the _need_ that’s gnawing a hole through his heart.

It’s fucking terrible—like are you kidding me this is hell.

When the heat finally blows away, Bucky is left weak and unfulfilled, and worrying about the repercussions of the murder that happened a week ago.

)Just. Give. _Up_.(

(just don’t look down because it’s not over yet. there’s something stirring in tartarus and you’re not alone anymore.)

James slinks into the group kitchen because he’s actually hungry for once. He gets himself one of Natasha’s muffins. It’s blissfully processed and full of fake blueberries but it smells nice. He sits under the kitchen table and takes tiny bites in the silent kitchen.

Soon enough, Banner enters the room. Barnes is just about done with his muffin, taking miniscule bites like some sort of rodent. He’s wary of this newcomer, this stranger entering on his turf. He’s wary enough to go for the ankles if need be, strike fast and quick with no mercy. But let’s not get hasty, B.

Banner stops halfway to the Nescafe machine. He turns around and surveys the room once, twice. Bucky doesn't move, stock still in a type of training that at some point had turned into instinct.

“Barnes?” Okay, so maybe it’s not that hard to spot him. The table doesn’t exactly provide that much cover. Even if he stands stock still and tries his hardest he’s still an omega sitting under a kitchen table eating a muffin.

“Uh,” Bucky pauses to take another tiny bite, stomach starved for food. “Hello.”

“Well, so,” Banner crouches by the table to look Barnes in the eye. “How was your week?” He’s trying to make idle conversation and failing.

“It was fine.” Barnes says, in an act of compulsive lying. “Really.”

“Steve was really worried about you,” Banner murmurs.

“He really shouldn’t be,” Bucky finally succeeds in speaking his mind.

“Why not?”

“Because.” Bucky throws the muffin wrapper at Banner’s face. “That’s why.”

Banner stands up. “You’re not very helpful.”

There’s an urge, to go straight for the ankles, but James resists the urge bravely. There’s an urge to leave and find Steve and figure out this whole )murderer, killer, massacre,( what? Who’s there?

Bucky gets up from under the table, leaves the kitchen, tracks down Steve.

He’s in the gym, which is the third place that Bucky looks, busily punching the shit out of a bag.

“Hey,” James breaks in timidly. “You okay?”

Steve turns around, and a bunch of different expressions cross over his face. He settles on a unhappy press of his lips. “Buck,” He makes Bucky feel disappointed in himself and it sucks.

)you should be disappointed in yourself(

“Hello?” Steve waves a hand in front of Bucky’s face. Bucky shakes his head and his hair goes everywhere.

“What are we going to do about the dead guy?” Barnes asks meekly.

Steve sighs. For a moment he looks as tired as Barnes feels. Just for a moment though. “I don’t know, Buck,” He finally says. “People want answers.”

“I didn’t mean to.” James says, voice small.

“I know you didn’t.” Steve softly smiles. He sits down on the ground and pats the floor next to him. Bucky sits down carefully, feeling fragile.

Fragility started shortly after the revival. It’s sad, that James is made of glass, but there’s not much he can do. Hydra shattered him, in so many ways. There’s the feeling that everything is too hard and that there’s no way he’ll recover because recovery is too hard and Bucky Barnes is made of glass.

Bucky Barnes the psychopath is made of glass.

Some days the end result seems too far away so that Bucky finds it hard to even breathe and it’s hard and hard and--can’t--breathe--

“Bucky,” Steve is shaking his shoulder. “Bucky, breathe.” His voice is tired, calm, and absolutely miserable. James feels horrible for making him miserable but he doesn’t know what else to do so he takes a breath.

And another. He takes a breath for Steve, and leans against the Alpha, feeling sorry for distressing him.

“M’sorry,” He mutters, leaning against Steve’s side.

Steve puts one arm around him, and they sit against the wall for a while. He says nothing. For a long time everything seems perfect in it’s own way, though Bucky knows it’s not.

 

That night, Tony announces that Hydra is causing trouble again.

“People are getting killed.” He says. “Bloody Hydras are appearing everywhere. The nightly news is having a field day.”

“What do we do?” Bucky speaks up. He’s scared, scared of going back to the dark and cold and _cold_ and _stop_.

“We’ll protect you, don’t worry,” Steve says reassuringly.

It doesn’t help.

 

The next day, Barnes is back to his routine of stalking Steve. You little psychopath you.

(You really shouldn’t self diagnose.)

)Screw you(

Bucky slams straight into the hallway wall. He doesn’t really know how that happened. His thoughts are slowly growing out of his control and that scares him. He can’t tell anyone though, because it’ll make him seem crazier than he already is. Bucky Barnes knows crazy. He’s known it every damn day of his second life.

What’s going on.

(there’s something stirring in tartarus i tell you. watch out. tell someone. tell steve, you have to tell steve.)

But he does no such thing.

I smile. Perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, if you like it, comment, kudos, subscribe, etc. Everything you do is greatly appreciated!
> 
>  
> 
> [Ask me questions on tumblr! You know, if you feel like it. No pressure brah. ](http://geoffreyisthebest.tumblr.com)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait. Had to spend some time in the hospital again and then I didn't have the motivation to finish this chapter.

 

Bucky can’t sleep. Or at least, he thinks he can’t. He thinks he can’t because he’s exhausted  _ all  _ the freaking time and there are dark circles under his eyes. He lays in his bed and stares at the ceiling and thinks, (when the hell is Steve going to wake up?)

)why? so you can stalk him again?(

(yes)

Bucky feels his stomach growl and the ache of hunger grow. He has to eat. Right now he’s just withering away and that not eating isn’t helping anyone.

So in a rare bout of proactiveness, Bucky gets out of bed and heads towards the kitchen two floors down. He stops at the elevator and decides to take the stairs because, why not? Yanno? It’s good to get your exercise.

)you’re just saying that because you know you’re fat(

(i’m not fat)

)look at yourself, you’re fucking huge(

(stop swearing)

Bucky trips halfway down the stairs and tumbles the rest of the way down to the landing. It’s a loud fall, and it looks like it hurts a lot. I snicker. Bucky kinda lays there for a while, and stares at the ceiling. 

“Are you okay Sir?” Jarvis asks, an inch of robotic concern in the ai’s voice. “Do you require assistance?”

“More than you’ll  _ ever  _ know.”

Barnes starts. “Who said that?” He feels like he’s going to cry. He’s just so tired, and hungry, and now achey. 

“And fat and stupid and weak and whiney and--”

“Who’s there?” Bucky asks, scared now. His voice cracks.

“It’s me, Sir. It’s Jarvis.” Jarvis says. “Do you require assistance?”

Bucky sits up finally. He feels a chill run down his spine. The knowledge that someone else is speaking to him, that someone else is here  _ with  _ him, is a scary thought.

“Put the tower on lockdown alpha.” He snaps, and then, immediately. “Cancel that order Jarvis.”

The lights flicker for a moment as Jarvis effectively starts and cancels lockdown protocol. “Are you sure? Do you require assistance?”

“No.” Bucky says, standing up shakily. “I’m just going to get some food.” He can’t act like he  _ knows  _ that there’s someone watching him. 

He has to act like everything's normal. He  _ has  _ to. For Steve’s sake.

(why?)

)SHUT UP!(

(PLEASE STOP)

James ducks under the kitchen table and sits on the cold floor for a minute or two. He swallows and his mouth is dry. There’s someone watching him and we both know that.

Who’s “we?”

Bucky crawls out from under the table and grabs another muffin. This time it’s banana nut. Then he sits under the table again.

(you have to tell steve you idiot. you have to!)

“Why?” I laugh. “It’s not like he can do anything!”

Bucky presses his hands over his ears. He doesn’t care anymore. This is hell. This is literal hell. There’s someone watching him and like the fucking eye of sauron they won’t  _ stop!  _ He doesn’t care that he’ll taint Steve’s amazing goodness with his disgusting soul, but he just wants some relief.

“Jarvis. Call Steve.” He whimpers, and barely hears the reply of “At once, Sir.”

“What the hell are you doing?” I snap.

Buck swallows. He wants to fight back, he really does, but there are things that he cannot fight against and this watcher is one of them.

(i’m trying to get help)

)SHUT UP!(

(no)

I scream, loud and long and Barney is so on edge now I bet he’d put a knife into just about anything.

“Bucky?” The light flicks on. Bucky freezes. He’s crying, trying to hide his muffled sniffles, as he’s bombarded by  _ everything.  _ His muffin lies untouched on the floor next to him.

“Bucky?” Steve repeats, kneeling under the table much like Bruce Banner did not too long ago. “Hey--” He stops, just watching Bucky sniffle and rub at his eyes for a moment or two. 

“Stevie,” Bucky can’t tell if he said that or just thought it. It’s scary to think that he can’t tell the difference between his mind and reality.

“What’s wrong?” Steve asks, concerned. He reaches forward to card a hand through Bucky’s hair, reaching his forehead. “You’re burning up.”

Bucky sidles a bit closer, remembering an arm around his shoulder, him tucked into Steve’s side, waiting for the end of the world together like two old friends. “There’s someone in my head,” He finally breaks. “I fell down the stairs,” and “I’m sorry I’m a psychopath.”

“What?” Steve sounds bewildered. “What are you talking about?”

“There’s someone in my  _ head, Steve!”  _ Bucky’s voice is loud now, and cracks again.

The alpha grips him by the shoulders and stares him down. “What. Does. That Mean.” He sounds scared, like he doesn’t know what’s happening.

)HAhaHaHAhA(

(STop it!)

(HELP ME)

Bucky presses his hands hard against his ears and screams. He can hear Steve trying to calm him down but it’s  _ not  _ working. The table is suddenly pushed to the side of the kitchen with a loud clack and Steve wraps around the omega, pulling him into his arms. Bucky’s clawing at him, pushing at him, because he  _ doesn’t (deserve) this.  _ Steve’s hands wrap around his own, and after a moment they’re tucked securely between the both of them.

“ _ Hey. Hey,”  _ Steve shushes Bucky. “It’s okay, you’re  _ okay,  _ you’re gonna be  _ okay. _ ”

Bucky shakes his head, eyes clamped shut. He's  _ not  _ okay, will never  _ be  _ okay and this is horrible.

I laugh.

“Get it  _ out!”  _ Bucky shrieks. 

Steve pulls Bucky closer. They're practically on top of each other. “Get  _ what _ out?” The alpha smells like old spice and it manages to calm down Bucky just a little because it's a little funny. Old. Spice. Gettit? (I feel like I've made that joke before.) Bucky shakes his head again. He's trembling, from fear or something else he doesn't know.

“The person in my head…” He immediately regrets whispering that. Regrets so much, regrets. He sounds crazy. 

)is crazy. is stupid and fat and crazy and a psycopath(

Bucky tucks his head into Steve’s chest, trying to hide. Except there is no way to hide from something that’s in your head. It’s terrifying as the one thing you can’t escape is yourself. 

Steve doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how to protect Bucky from himself. He doesn’t know how to protect Bucky. He doesn’t know.

They sit there for a long time. Bucky just trembling like there’s no tomorrow and Steve trying his best to comfort him. They say nothing and Steve is thankful that the floors are soundproof.

“I’m sorry,” Buck whispers at one point. “I’m not good enough.”

)not good enough. not good enough. not good(

“You’re good enough for me.” Steve says adamantly. 

Barnes sniffles. “You don’t get it,” He sounds forlorn. He’s scared of traversing this road, scared more than anything, because he’s sure that when Steve meets the  _ real  _ him, he won’t like him anymore. He doesn’t want to go down that road. He doesn’t. (please don’t make me)

“Then explain,” Steve almost begs.

  


                     “I can’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so kinnnndddaaa a bridge chapter. Oh well. I just had to get something out there that will get me more motivated. 
> 
> If you liked it and want more, feel free to kudos, comment, subscribe, etc. It kinda helps. Everything is greatly appreciated, thanks for all of your support.
> 
> [Ask me questions about my works on tumblr](http://geoffreyisthebest.tumblr.com)


End file.
